1. How not to offend. Which on the internet is near bloody impossible.

    So, you’ve managed to offend someone. Congratulations! Welcome to the World Wide Web, home of people who don’t know you personally but now hate your guts. Don’t fret, it’s happened to everyone. Sooner or later, something you say will offend someone, and bam you’re in Angry Town. Population: you, and everyone who has an immediate reaction to things they see on the internet that they don’t agree with.

    So, how do you keep yourself out of Angry Town you ask? Well, it’s simple really. All you have to do is not say anything. That’s it. Don’t say anything. Ever. Just keep your mouth shut and don’t talk. Hell, don’t even breathe if you can because, hey, you might offend the fishes with all your fancy breathing. Also, don’t voice your opinions, or call out someone else’s opinions, oh and don’t say anything someone could misinterpret (which, on the internet, is a lot). Just cover your eyes and go stand in the corner over there. Everything will be ok.

    Or so it would seem at least, for you see, if everyone followed this rule, we wouldn’t have any discussion or debate, people wouldn’t become more knowledgeable, problems wouldn’t get solved, opinions themselves wouldn’t be formed. And that’s not good, right? Everyone would just be sitting, silently twiddling their thumbs for fear that someone will be offended. If thumb-twiddling was deemed offensive by someone, then we would really be screwed.

    Someone said something ignorant? Better not say anything, they might get offended. You found something stupid? Want to vent about this? Want to call that opinion illogical? Well, better keep it to yourself. Someone could be offended! Wouldn’t want that now would we? Imagine, someone being offended. I can’t think of a worse thing really. I honestly can’t. I’m trying really hard here. … Nope, nothing. Yay, happy times!

    So there, now you know how to not offend anyone. I told you it was simple. Yes, I know, it might feel strange at first, not saying anything that’s on your mind, but it’s ok. No more feeling the wrath of complete strangers on the internet for you! No more wanting to just crawl into bed and tell everyone to go to hell! No more month-long bouts of depression! And you know why? Because no one is offended by something you said. And the fun thing is, they never will be, because before you know it, you will have become an empty, opinionless, silent, shell.

    I know I have.